Lonely
by MJ4
Summary: Left on an alien planet, a Time Lady considers her past and that which she has lost.


**Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all affiliated trademarks are the property of the BBC and BBC enterprises. Only the words below are my own, and no money has been made from its writing or release.**

**Lonely**

_"One day I shall come back, yes I shall come back. Until then there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine."_

Those words, the last Grandfather said to me before leaving me forever on this backward planet. I can't blame him really. He did what he thought was best, what he thought was right, like he always does, even when what's truly right is sometimes the opposite of his actions.

I miss him, and Ian and Barbara. The four of us travelled together for so long and yet such a short time.

Ian and Barbara, they were my teachers at Coal Hill Comprehensive. Grandfather was always against me joining. "Teach me backward ways," he always said. I knew better. If we were truly to integrate into the society in which we lived we had to be involved. It still brings a smile to my face remembering him harrumphing when I would be studying for some test or other.

"They expect you to write about these things as if they are facts when they cannot even contemplate the inaccuracies of their own teachings," he would complain. He was right of course, and it was a problem I often faced in school.

Simple things, like money, would often confuse me. In 1963, they didn't even have the decimal system yet. It was such an easy mistake, but one I fell headlong into. Or being given what Mr Chesterton believed to be an easy equation, but then would only let me use three dimensions rather than all five. The other children mocked me, how little they knew.

Here was I, attempting to answer a question which was impossible given the restraints they had forced upon me due to their own limited knowledge, stood in front of a class whose combined age might just have beaten my own – well, I exaggerate a little but still, they were all so young.

It's silly now looking back on it. I may have looked sixteen, but nothing could have been further from the truth, humanly speaking at least. Earth years are such short things, much like Human lives.

But all that was my past, and despite the silliness of much of it, it was a happy time. It was that happiness that kept Grandfather in that one place for so long. I knew he was itching to get moving, to see some other place or time, but I kept him there. I needed some form of security, some grounding. Some place to call home.

We left our planet my Grandfather and I. Exiled, Grandfather said, although I sometimes wonder whether it was a self imposed exile. I was so young when he came for me. Mother would never have approved.

I wish I had more memories, or at least better ingrained ones, of both Mother and Father. Grandfather says it's better that I don't, although I feel that's strange. I disagree, of course. A person is the sum of ones' memories, and a Time Lord even more so, and yet my memories of home, of Mother and Father, are stilted, limited, almost as if there is a block imposed on them. Whether that was self imposed or not I don't know, but they are inaccessible, assuming they even exist.

I was so young. I had just been accepted into the Academy. I thought everyone would be so happy, but all I remember is Grandfathers face, that frown he always got, _gets_, when something worries him.

It was the night before my initiation. The next day I would stand before the Time Vortex and see...who knew what.

I remember some of my classmates were so excited, chattering about what they might see, whilst others were petrified. Supposedly no one sees the same thing, and what some see turns them crazy, at least for their first incarnation.

Only Time Lords are permitted entry to the Academy, and so only Time Lords may look into the Vortex. Should a non-Time Lord look into the Vortex it is said they will have their mind, closely followed by their body and eventually their very existence throughout time, extinguished. Whether that's true or not, I don't know, but it's a great scary story to tell children.

All Time Lords are Gallifreyan, but not all Gallifreyan's are Time Lords. The Vortex story is a perfect way of keeping the lower orders in line. I think it might be this that Grandfather was unhappy about, it would seem his sort of "fight". He never said as much, but that's what I like to think.

Anyway, that night I was prodded awake by Grandfather. As I stirred, ready to ask him what he was doing in the Academy dormitories, he pressed a finger to his lips and told me to dress quickly. I moved to get my ceremonial robes. - I, like my Grandfather, am a Prydonian. Mother had been so happy, although Father had hoped I would be a Patrexes, but how could I have said no to the Prydon Academy? - He tapped me on the hand in chastisement and pointed to my normal clothes.

I remember clearly telling him I was not going to do anything while he was in my room.

"There's no time for this child," he complained, "we have to get moving quickly!"

Looking back on it he sounded so worried, but I stood my ground and ushered him out.

I still remember the look of concern on his face, his lightening hair yet to have turned fully white, but still over long and slightly unkempt, shaping his face. But even through that concern I could see the hidden smile at being told what to do by his Granddaughter. It was a job I would take to quite often in the coming years. Mr Chesterton often said I was like his conscience, but I don't think that's quite fair. It's the difference between a Time Lord and a Human, and my time with both merely allowed me to be the perfect go between.

As I left my dorm room the first thing I noticed was the darkness. Academy students were not allowed out of their rooms at this time of night, or at least not those that had yet to begin their studies, so I had never seen these corridors so empty or in their night time light settings. I saw Grandfather; he was stood on the opposite side of the corridor where he had not only a full view of my door but also clear vision in both directions along the corridor.

I hurried over to him and he pulled me close, a warm arm stretching out over my shoulder. I looked up into his worried yet determined face, his piercing grey eyes sweeping the darkness before us.

"What will happen if I'm caught out of my dorm?" I pleaded. I was, I believed, only just starting my academic career in one of Gallifreys most prestigious Academies and I didn't want it to start in me being expelled; what would Mother say?

He flashed me a warm smile. "You're with me, what could they possibly do?"

I was comforted by that as only a child can be. Looking back on it all I can hear is the concern in his voice, but at the time I heard none of it. If Grandfather said I would be okay then I would be okay.

We walked hurriedly for what seemed like hours, although I'm pretty sure it was only minutes, Grandfathers reassuring arm never leaving my shoulder. I hadn't really been looking where we were going - instead content in the knowledge that Grandfather would not allow anything to happen to me I had found myself nestling my head against his side – but it was at that moment I decided to actually take in my surroundings. Imagine my surprise when I noticed that all the corridors that had, at one time, seemed so familiar even in the darkness were now different, less ornate.

As we rounded a corner my eyes widened in terror. Stood before us was one of the Chancellery Guard. I knew that they never left the Panopticon. Was it possible that we could have travelled so far without me even noticing?

I looked up into Grandfathers face, his brow furrowing into a frown as if considering his next move. I looked back at the guard, then to the door behind him. In large letters were written the words _TT Capsule Containment Hanger 1. No unauthorised access._

Grandfather looked down at me. "Stay here child," he said. "Stay quiet and don't move until I call you, do you understand?"

I nodded that I did. I didn't understand of course. I had no idea why I had been woken, guided through the corridors of the Academy into the Panopticon, nor why I was stood here being told to be stay quiet and not move, but the trust in my Grandfather made me do as he asked.

He smiled at me, the smile he always saved just for me, before turning toward the guard and marching down the corridor. He got within feet of the guard before he was noticed. My breath caught in my throat as the guard jumped in surprise, but in one swift practiced movement he drew his Stazer and pointed it at my Grandfathers chest.

"Stop there!" cried the guard, as much as a command as in surprise, his eyes wide and bulging at being caught so ill-prepared.

"How dare you sir!" bellowed Grandfather. "How dare you point that _thing_ at me, don't you _know_ who I am?"

The guard looked at him dumbfounded, clearly not expecting to be shouted at by the person at whom he was pointing the weapon.

"Y-yes, sir," he stammered, seemingly unsure whether to push the gun further into Grandfathers chest or drop everything and salute.

"I should expect so," continued Grandfather unabashed, pushing the arm of the stunned guard away with ease, the gun now left facing the ground. "What is your name?"

"A-Atraxis."

"A-Atraxis," copied Grandfather sternly. The guard nodded.

"Atraxis what?"

"Atraxis, sir!" the guard complied, jumping to attention and holstering his weapon under the intense glare of his interrogator/would be prisoner.

"That's better," acknowledged Grandfather. "Now then young man, let's look at you," he continued, moving around the young guard as would a Staff Sergeant. "Well, apart from being completely useless at "guarding" you seem to be a sensible young fellow."

"Thank you, sir," the guard acknowledged before his face screwed up in consternation. "You're not supposed to be down here. It's for authorised personnel only."

My Grandfather smiled and leaned forward conspiratorially. "I know," he said mischievously, "but, as I'm sure you're aware, my Granddaughter," he proffered an arm in my direction, and I offered a nervous wave in greeting as the guards eyes fell on me, "has just been accepted into the Prydon Academy. Now, as a little treat I thought I would show her a TT capsule."

"TT capsules are off limits," the guard replied curtly.

Grandfather just nodded. "I know, I know," he smiled, "but as a treat I thought I'd show her temporal transdimensional physics in action, give her a head start over her contemporaries." He then looked the young guard in the eyes, his own growing large and appealed to the man. "And I promise, if you look the other way I won't tell anybody how I was almost able to walk straight into the hanger without you noticing."

The guard shuffled uncomfortably on his heels. He won't let us in, I thought. There was no reason too, he hadn't done anything wrong and he'd caught Grandfather red-handed trying to get into the hanger, as was his job.

The guard looked up at me, then back into the eyes of Grandfather who had never blinked the whole time. Finally he smiled and nodded that we could go in so long as we "were no longer than 5 minutes and we didn't tell anyone."

Grandfathers' face had brightened immediately. "Capital young man, absolutely capital." He proffered me over with a wave of his hand and as I came close he turned back to the guard. "I promise you that you'll never have to deal with me again," he grinned.

He was right, of course, but not in the way that I had thought at the time. Nor probably the guard.

We stepped into the large containment hanger. On all sides, stretching into the distance, were the squat, cube-like TT capsules. As we walked slowly along the wide expansive central walkway I could see Grandfather glancing at each of the capsules in turn before shaking his head and moving on.

Eventually we approached what I could only describe as a battered looking cream box. The display on the panel next to the capsule described it as a _"Type 40 TT capsule. Life expired. To be decommissioned."_ Grandfather smiled and nodded before moving toward the capsule and placed a hand on the door, almost caressing it. It was an action I would see many times subsequent to this, but at that moment all I could wonder was how strange an action it seemed.

Time Lords are somewhat telepathic, and TT capsules are fitted with telepathic circuits. It is often said that the best TT pilots have a bond with their machines that can't be fully explained by reason and, for whatever reason; Grandfather and _this_ TT capsule had a bond that would only grow as time progressed.

Smiling, Grandfather turned to me.

"Would you like to look inside?" he asked warmly, invitingly.

As if responding to his words, with a groaning whirr the door slowly slid open revealing the large control room inside. Looking up at his face for a moment, I slowly stepped across the threshold into what would soon become my home.

The large expansive room within, that would soon be filled with trinkets and memories of our time together, was at that time empty baring the large multi-sided control console, welcomed me. The warm lights emanating from the myriad roundels spread around the walls almost enveloped me in a cushion like comfort. The light hum from the capsules central core spread into my head, almost hypnotising me. I felt at once like _She_ understood me, that _She_ welcomed me.

I turned toward Grandfather who stood in the doorway, a beaming smile on his face, and asked; "are they really going to decommission her?"

Why I immediately referred to this piece of technology, this ship, as a her I couldn't explain, but it just seemed right.

Grandfather sighed, and nodded his head.

"At the end of its useful operational life," he grumbled, moving forward and placing his hand tenderly on the console. "Only done 100 billion light years, but they've deemed it old technology. It's been superseded and they don't want to maintain this technology anymore." He shook his head in sorrow.

"They've placed one in a museum, but the rest... the rest are to be disposed of."

He turned to me, a large grin spread across his face.

"Fancy taking it on one last jaunt?"

My eyes widened as much in shock as trepidation.

"W-won't they be mad?"

"Furious I should expect," Grandfather grinned. "So?"

I looked at the console and then looked out the door into the hanger. Eventually I turned back to Grandfather and, looking up into his expectant face, nodded my assent.

His face washed with a look of relief, although there was a visible tinge of regret. There was something he wasn't telling me, something that filled him with trepidation, but before I could ask he nodded, almost as much to himself as to me, almost as if willing himself on to make the final move.

In quick, practised movements he moved, circling the controls on the central console, flicking switches and pressing buttons as he did so. The whirr of the doors closing filled the room before the slowly building thrum of the engines started to grow.

As power started to return to the ships systems the capsules hum increased in intensity and I felt a wave of euphoria spread through my body. Whether it was the excitement of what we were about to do, or whether it was something else that the ship was trying to share with me, I've never been sure to this day but one thing was for certain, as soon as I heard that loud bang of the power transformers reaching their full intensity followed by the wheezing groan of the engines, my life would never be the same again.

I look back at that time tinged with happiness and sadness and wonder; what could my life have been?

As I stare up at this alien sky I think; how different might things have turned out?

Where now I see the twinkling dots of light circling above, I used to see the swirling patterns of a different galaxy.

This is my home now, on a planet distant from my own, but neither that place, nor this, is truly my home.

Out there somewhere is a box, perennially trapped in the guise of a Police Telephone Box, assuming Grandfather hasn't repaired it. The only place I can remember well enough to call home. Within the only family I can remember.

I miss that box, and my family within, and I often wonder where they are and what they are doing.

I also wonder, do they even remember me, trapped on this alien world?

_"One day I shall come back, yes I shall come back. Until then there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine."_

I miss you Grandfather, and that box of yours... ours. And although I have family here, a husband and all that go with him, I find myself staring up at the stars more and more often and I wonder, "where are you, and do you remember me?"

_"Goodbye Susan. Goodbye my Dear."_

A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed that. This little fic has been a long time in coming, having been sat on my computer now for nigh on 9 months, maybe more. It was mostly written over 2 days before Christmas, but then just as quickly as I started I stopped realising that I didn't have an end, or rather I couldn't put that end into words. Depressing, eh?

But here it is, the first completed work by me in well over a year (or is it 2?). I've been writing all this time, just not finishing anything, and so not posting (I've decided on a new policy, nothing gets posted until it's complete. I have too many part finished stories on as is) so I apologise to those who have been awaiting updates to other stories, but they probably won't come soon.

As for this one, I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review, positive or negative, and if you want more info on this, or any other story, feel free to e-mail or pm me.

Until next time, whenever that may be.


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